...randomness surrounding Guided by Voices, Robert Pollard, and other great indie rock bands; a quasi objective look at "my" sporting teams; the random horror film; plus other crap as we see fit...all with a Pittsburgh based feel.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Official Philadelphia Flyer Excuse Portfolio

big thanks to the Pensblog for above

As Flyers fans prepare for the inevitable, here's a little handy-dandy guide to help yinz out:

Rule #1 as a Flyers fan: never, under any circumstance, admit you were beat by a superior opponent. The following is a list which may be used by all Flyers fans, young and old. Whether you're a whiner, a neanderthal, John Stevens, a conspiracy theorist, the confused, or simply delusional...there is sure to be an excuse below that will suit your particular personality.

  • Crosby dives.
  • Malkin cherry picks.
  • The refs sucked (may be followed up with "we have stars, too").
  • The linesmen sucked.
  • The Penguins cheated.
  • Spygate!!
  • Simon Gagne was out.
  • Kimmo Timonen was out.
  • Braydon Coburn got hurt.
  • Donovan McNabb was out.
  • The puck just didn't bounce our way (or, to be more definitive, exclude "just").
  • Ice conditions were not conducive to the Flyers style of play (may be followed up with "we have stars, too").
  • The new style NHL isn't conducive to the Flyer style of play. Long live the Broad Street Bullies!! (a true Flyers fan will play with themselves any time the "Bullies" are mentioned).
  • The Penguins wore higher-than-normal skate blades, causing our cheapshot elbows and cross checks to land lower than normal, missing their heads.
  • The NHL wants the Penguins in the Finals.
  • Versus wants the Penguins in the Finals.
  • NBC wants the Penguins in the Finals.
  • Gary Bettman wants the Penguins in the Finals.
  • Colin Campbell wants the Penguins in the Finals.
  • Everybody outside of Philly and Detroit wants the Penguins in the Final.
  • The humidity level at the Wachovia Center was not properly set, causing Scott Hartnell's shield to fog up, blurring his vision, and making it more difficult for him to take cheapish runs at players after the whistle and hack at people with his stick. - insert 'Mellon Arena' for 'Wachovia Center', when applicable.
  • NHL Officials in Toronto lost the Zapruder film. I swear we saw some dude on the grassy knoll.
  • John Stevens should've dressed Riley Cote. He would've beat everybody up because he's tough. The Flyers need more players like him. Long live the Broad Street Bullies!! (again, playing with yourself is not only permissible, it's encouraged).
  • Steve Downie was confused with the puck on his stick. He's a much better player without the puck.
  • That Penguins goal on Sunday should've counted (this one's good for "the confused").
  • That whole Rocky statue scandal distracted us.
  • If the Penguins wouldn't have been so bad prior to the 2005 draft, they would've never had a chance to draft Crosby.
  • Crosby dives.
  • Too much weight is placed on the playoffs. We beat the Penguins 5 games to 3 in the regular season. That's what really counts.
  • That last game of the season...the Penguins lost to us on purpose. (Can not be used in conjunction with the previous excuse, unless you're "the confused").
  • IT'S JUST ONE BIG CONSPIRACY.
This list is definitely not all-inclusive. I'm sure we're missing some, so feel free to add as necessary. Remember, the shorter the series goes...the more excuses that will be needed.

2 comments:

gbvh said...

because of yinz yanks, there's no nighttime hockey this weekend...afternoon hockey sucks ass.

oh well, we gotz toronto fc tomorrow anyway!

Anonymous said...

Dont forget the Allen Iverson got traded :)